i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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