Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
