Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
