I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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