a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
