I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
