I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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