I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
