ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
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