I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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