So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
