that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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