I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
