im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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