dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
