I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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