we should wear snuggies to the strip club
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize