sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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