I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I could make wine with my vomit
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
