She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
