new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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