we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
