things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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