i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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