You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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