i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
