just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
