oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
