tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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