Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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