I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He felt like a one man threesome
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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