I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize