i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
