I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
