8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I pour the whiskey from now on
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
