oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
