I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
