i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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