2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
May the power of my ass compel you!!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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