He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
