I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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