I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
