i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
