I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
