Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
