you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
and she was petting her beer can
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize