see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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