It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
