I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
