I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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