Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
