just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
