I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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