drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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