I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I have already put on my inside pants.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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