May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Your penis caused this!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
