My liver just broke up with me...
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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