we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
